You’re single? And you have often heard that you will only find a partner when you change? Then my utopian question book entry today is exactly your topic!
All alone and your fault?
The advice that singles need to change in order to survive in the marriage market often comes. Unfortunately, well-intentioned advice from friends and relatives often leads singles to believe that they have a personality problem. Exceptions confirm the rule – but this is usually not true. Almost all singles are as normal as those who are “under the hood”. Science relieves them! How?
This was researched by psychologist John Gottman in Lov Labs
He has studied couples and came to the conclusion that there is no ideal personality to start a successful relationship.
But the challenge of finding someone who accepts you with “bang”, i.e. all the neurotic rough edges, is great. In other words, a pot has a hard time finding a lid that will accept it despite its dents.
Singles are wrongly suspected to be responsible for their own guilt. As a result, they often struggle with low self-esteem.
But even a low self-esteem does not influence the attraction of a person. According to psychology professor Kristin Neff, people with low self-esteem are usually just as lovable to others as people with high self-esteem. Nevertheless, it is normal that feelings of loneliness are accompanied by feelings of shame and inferiority.
Feelings of inferiority and shame – why?
A look at history helps: For our ancestors it was deadly to live alone. They needed the community to be able to protect themselves from dangers such as predators.
Neuroscientist John Cacioppo believes that the loneliness that singles feel is a rudiment of our biological past as pack and cave dwellers. It is simply not in keeping with our biological nature to live alone in an apartment. A person without a pack feels lonely for biological reasons. This feeling likes to express itself, as we learned, in shame and inferiority.
In order to alleviate the feeling of loneliness, it may sometimes be enough to simply be aware that you are ticking normally when you feel it. It is biology – and not a problem of personality. A good strategy is certainly also to look out for a lid that is not quite perfect and undamaged. Because there are plenty of them out there.
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